Bein sick is lame. ‘Course, I probably shouldn’t be drinking chocolate milk, I doubt that’ll help my runny-but-at-the-same-time-stuffed-up nose. Or my I-need-to-cough-every-other-minute problem.

In other news. Got sound working on my onboard nForce2 board. Sweet. Doesn’t sound bad at all either. Onboard sound typically sucks, but I think this is ok. It doesn’t even skip or stutter when I’m doing lots of other stuff in the background (copying files from CD, compiling huge programs)

“Edwin McCain – I’ll Be” just came on my playlist… *sigh*. Always makes me think of Christine. Better than Eric Clapton’s “Wonderful Tonight”. I can’t listen to that without getting sad anymore.

Anyways. Also got the second onboard network card working. This motherboard is a pretty sweet little setup. Next step is setting up 3D graphics on my GeForce4. I love Slackware. It 0wnz m3… And yet, I 0wnz it. It doesn’t hold my hand, and it doesn’t get in the way. It gives me a clean base to tweak to my enjoyment. It actually lets/makes me learn.

I’ve been considering hosting this webpage on my own computer, lately. Still not sure how difficult it would be. I probably get less than 4 hits a day, so it couldn’t be too bad, right? Right? Well, at least I’d be able to host my own pictures and files. And mess with the code. That last one is a big selling point.

I think in the next couple days I may make a trip to a local Buddhist Monastery. Not that I’m thinking about multi-classing to Monk mind you. It’s just this guy came in a few weeks ago, talking about a Monastery. He was looking for large fish for the Monastery’s pond. So he’s tellin me all about this place… Deer Park Monastery… its peaceful and quiet, and tucked away from the city. Sounds nice. Reminds me of Mt. Helix. So I think I’ll go check it out. They have a website. I think Melinda and I may go up there sometime soon.

Speaking of Melinda, she almost read this the other night. I said I didn’t mind, but she said she didn’t want to pry. I wanted to tell her to go ahead and read it, but I was still a little wierded out by the idea. I mean, she is more than welcome to read it… its just… I don’t know that I’m ready to bring it to her attention just yet. Heh. I dunno what I’m saying.

I think I just need to say that I spend time with her because I like spending time with her. No alterior motives; she’s a friendly face and an open ear. She’s a good friend, and anything else is entirely secondary.

You left me last summer. Is there something I forgot to say? Now I’m left here to suffer. Do you feel the same way? Cuz now I’ve found out, that I can’t make it here on my own. So tell me, when did I lose control?

It’s been too long without tunes on the comp. I’ve missed my Local Punk Bands. o0o0o0o. Looks like FON is coming out with a new CD soon. Good times.

Yeah. Totally my bedtime. Gonna go read myself to sleep.

Melinda said she’d be reading this sometime. I just wanted to clarify a couple things, for her and for anyone else who reads.

• There is very little I don’t/won’t write about. This journal is a very public way of talking about private things. Stacy said its brave, but I think I just have to put certain things down in writing, no matter who sees them. Maybe because of who sees them.

• This journal is subject to exaggeration. Take this into account when reading. Everything is true, but not all of it, if you get my meaning. Some parts are more true than others.

This is the song I was listening to when my Grandfather passed away. It just came on randomly. I cried, then, and I almost always cry now. He was in a sort of coma… and then he just sort of… was gone. It was peaceful, at least.

I’ve found a long way back to sanity again

Though I don’t really know what I’m gonna do

When I get there…

Take a breath and hold on tight

And spin around one more time

And gracefully fall back to the arms of grace

‘Cause I’m hanging on every word you say

And even if you don’t wanna speak tonight

That’s alright, alright with me

‘Cause I want nothing more

Than to sit outside Heaven’s door

And listen to you breathing

It’s where I wanna be, yeah

Where I wanna be…

I’m looking past the shadows in my mind

Into the truth and I’m

Trying to identify the voices in my head

God, I wish it were you

Lifehouse – Breathing.

Amber was talking to me all day long that day. While I might not have agreed with everything she was telling me, I was still very glad she was there for me. It’s good to have friends like that. Amber’s a good friend.

le sigh.

I feel guilty. Each journal entry I make that mentions Melinda makes me feel guilty. Perhaps guilty isn’t the proper word. I’m not sure what is, though. I want to show her this journal… but I don’t want her to get freaked out about it. I don’t want it to seem like I’m obsessing… I’m not.

It’s just she’s very important to me, now. She’s the best (only…?) friend I’ve made since moving up here. I should tell her *that* at least. I also don’t want her to think I dislike Paul, or anything of the sort. I’ve never had any reason to feel that way, and I don’t.

And I like her. In more than a ‘just friends’ kind of way; but not to the exclusion of being friends. I thoroughly enjoy spending time with her, even when we’re at work, surrounded by asshole customers. “I do enjoy working with you; it makes the time go by faster,” she told me today. And I definitly agree. And it makes the rest of my shift when she’s gone home that much more boring.

I think I’m a storyteller. I’m not sure if she knows that or not, though. I think most people I know do realize it, if not conciously. I love to tell stories. Part of telling stories though – part of what makes a good story teller – is making stuff up. Not changing the story, of course. But adding details. Small little flamboyances that make the story feel that much more real. I want people to feel the way that I feel when I’m telling a story. Or perhaps thats not it exactly. Usually it is. But sometimes I just want people to feel a certain way. To make them laugh, or to make them shocked. The more detail there is to a story, the more it feels real. So when I tell her I woke up in my kitchen with a package of hot dogs, buns, and condiments sitting on the counter, I’m in Storytelling Mode. What really happened was I woke up holding the package of hot dogs. But that just doesn’t sound as right, to me. It’s a funny comment – but thats just it. It’s a funny comment… not a story. A funny story is waking up at 9 am. You know what its like when you first wake up? For the first few seconds you’re not entirely sure where you are. This particular morning was even more surreal than that. I woke up and realized I was in my kitchen, with a package of hot dogs, buns, and condiments on the counter. No shit.

That makes the point I was trying to get at. If I tell a person that, chances are they’ll likely feel something like the shock I felt when I woke up with hot dogs in my hand. And I really did wake up with hot dogs in my hand a few weeks ago. That’s the truth. But if you tell people that, they don’t believe it anyway. They think, yeah, whatever. People automatically throw away, ignore, or doubt so much of a story anyway, that in the end they’re convinced I’m full of it. But if you add to the story, then maybe they’ll actually think about it. Rather than throwing a simple rediculous sounding comment out, they actually parse the story, looking for what they’ll believe is the truth. It makes the person you’re talking to actually listen to the story. Actually listen to what you’re saying. Unconciously, I think we all doubt what we hear from other people. We all scan it for what we’re willing to believe, and what you’d like to dismiss. But if you craft a story in the right way, what you’re left with after this analyzation process is the truth they’re willing to accept. And maybe it’s the true truth. Thats what I think anyway. After putting entirely too much thought into the matter. I think I’ll write my essay for English100 on it.

But I’ve gotten way far afield. I’m not sure if Melinda will ever read these ramblings or not (I haven’t given her the URL explicitly, but it is in my aim profile…), but I would like to say a couple things for the record:

– You are the best Escondido friend I’ve made.

– You can make me smile on the shittiest days I’ve had.

– Don’t take my ramblings as anything but ramblings, remember, I just feel the need to tell a story, sometimes even if it involves seeming over-zealous about the subject.

And with that, I’m gonna call it a good night.

Last night was incredible.

After I got offline, I coudn’t sleep, so I went down the street to the Jockin Joes to go play some pool (it’s a bar) and just hang out. So I got there, got a drink and challenged this dude to next game. He was pretty trashed, I think… thats probably why I won. I played another game, he ended up hitting the 8-ball in and then kinda left. So I played a few more games, had a couple more drinks, then this girl comes up to me. Her name is Sarah. She’s pretty hot. She asks me if I’d like to make a bet with her on the next game.

ehhh, fsck it. I’m too lazy to finish this bad april fool’s day joke.

Happy April Fool’s Day anyways.

Amber: “Ditto.”

Perhaps more later.

Music on the beach.

So my last entry (well, the one before the one thats just a quote) was a little cryptic, I guess.

So I talked about Melinda a bit. Well, I come to find out, she has a boyfriend. Paul. A guy I know, and a guy I can respect. A guy who used to work with me. One of the few people who was actually friendly with me, and when I first started working there, actually insisted I sit down and have a lunch break with him to talk about stuff.

So yeah. Melinda, this girl I’m totally crazy about, is dating Paul, this really friendly guy, who was fired for being late. Melinda, who, the more time I spend with, the more I like. Melinda, who, I was almost convinced liked me.

Sad day.

I spent a couple days bummed out. Not mopey draggin ass around the house bummed out. But disappointed. Then, yesterday while siting bored on my computer, I decided to go read for a while. And for whatever reason, I left the monitor on. So I’m reading, and I notice that a buddy signed on. From my bed, I noticed the buddy who signed on was Melinda. “Hmmm,” I wonder if she’ll even message me. And then, almost as if my own thought willed it to happen, a conversation window pops up. We talked for a bit about the other day, she’d gone home sick, and ended up being crazy, but no hard feelings.

Then almost out of nowhere:

(17:38:17) Melinda: are you doing anything tonight

Surprised as I was, it didn’t take me long to reply that I was in fact doing nothing. Turns out Paul was throwing a bonfire down at the beach. I was invited. It wasn’t a difficult decision. Stay at home reading a book I’ve read 4 times already… or go spend the evening hanging out at a brand new beach, getting to know a fun girl even more. And its not like I would have minded spending an evening hanging out with Paul, either. Like I said, I considered him a nice guy. And she thought of inviting me It wasn’t like we were talking about the beach, or hanging out, or anything. She had planned on inviting me. Nice self-esteem boost, there ;o)

So we went to the beach. I’m broke, had no idea where this beach was and my car was out of gas, so we met at Target and took her car over. I get out of my car and start walking to hers, and she walks over from Starbucks and meets me halfway. I missed a step. She was looking good. We got into her car and started on our way – with me informing her that the beach was West, toward Oceanside.

Melinda has a very unusual taste in music. We started out the trip listening to Missy Elliot and eventually switched over to some prog bands I’d never heard of. Good stuff. I could even appreciate the Missy Elliot, despite it being rap/R&B. The way she was getting so into the music, singing the lyrics and making up the parts she didn’t know. Gesturing with her hands and moving her whole body to the music. Just made me smile. More on music later.

We talked a bit on the way there. Was there going to be anyone I knew there besides Paul? Anyone from work? No, she said. She doesn’t ever hang out with people from work. Wow. Self-esteem++. Heh.

So we get to the beach. I had decided to bring not one, not two, but three decks of cards with me. Which was a good thing, since we got there, and really, there wasn’t much to do. A couple blankets laid out, a small fire, and a dude playing guitar. So Melinda said we ought to play cards. So I taught her three card. I started to teach her 31, but when she realized it involved counting she suggested a different game. ;oP

Eventually, it was realized that anyone who had parked in the closest parking lot to us had gotten a parking ticket. Not much, but $32 is a pain in the butt. I guess that killed the mood, so a couple people left, and it was just me, Melinda, Paul, and his friend the guitar playing Robert. We all talked about music for a while. Bands that were awesome, bands that defined what music is today. We argued over some. Tool was mentioned a few times. Once even in comparison to Pink Floyd. Which I simply could not allow to go uncontested. Dark Side of The Moon and Aenima simply cannot be compared, let alone lumped together under as the two greatest/most influential albums of all time. Eventually the talking died down, and so did the fire. Melinda and I both had school the next day, so we left.

We talked a lot on the way home. Paul and her have been going out for about a year and a few months, although lately she’s been getting frustrated with him. He can be over-bearing, and she’s never liked that he drinks and smokes. All of this from her own mouth, without my prompting or being nosy. All this from a normally very shy person. If nothing else, I’ve obviously made a new friend, right? She talked about her family a lot. Her dad’s a full on computer nerd. Used to work for NCR, now works independently, ‘setting up networks’. Good times.

Then we got to Target. She pulled up next to my car, and I made my one move of the night. Or rather, my one non-move move. I didn’t get out. Not that I refused to leave or anything. I just… saw no reason to hurry home. So we talked some more. A lot more. And she decided to play some other random stuff for me. A german rap band. A couple other weird bands/musicals. Then the crem de la crem. Her and her friend Michelle have this thing where they get together and sing in a sort of karaoke way and record it. And Melinda makes the CD covers in Photoshop, edits the sounds to make it more ‘studio-esque’ and burns the whole thing to a CD. There was some funny stuff there. Now I know why people enjoy karaoke so much. I was laughing. Not in a mean way, but because it was quite amusing listening to her sing some songs by Shakira. And I also felt kinda touched. She doesn’t let anyone listen to these. She’s a bit self-conscious about it. So after about 45 minutes, I finally decided that I ought to let her go. She asked if I had fun, I told her I did, and said we’d have to do it again.

And that was my Thursday.

Today I saw Angela’s play. And it was hysterical. She did a good job. And it was really good seeing her again.

it’s damn near 2 am now. even though I have more to write, it’ll have to wait for another time.

I’m curious as to who still actively reads this thing. Let me know if you do. Even if we haven’t talked in a while.

It amused me:

“I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a drink… and then natural selection reared its ugly head.”

Journal it is.

Now. What to journal about? Should I rant about work? Or about another girl I’ve come to like, only to have never had a chance with? Which would I rather get off my chest? Both, really. But which first?

I guess I’ll go ahead and vent a bit with regards to work first. Most of this comes from a conversation I had with Chris yesterday

The other day, I had this dude from the PetCo corporate office come in. I almost went fuckin apeshit on him. I seriously was about to go off. Him and two other corporate dudes come in all random (basically it was a “hey, mike, lets go to the nearest petco and see whats wrong”. I was on my lunch break, but there was another girl in fish… I hear that these guys are in the store, so I come back early from my lunch break to see if this girl (Chelsea) needs any help making the area look a little nicer

So I get over to the fish area, and she’s running around frantically apologizing to these corporate dudes for the way it all looks, and they’re being all nit picky n shit, then one of them calls me over.

Corporate Dude: “hey, come over here”

Me: “yeah? whats wrong?”

Corporate Dude: “you have a dead eel in this tank.”

Me: “where?”

Corporate Dude: “right there”

Me: “where? I don’t see one”

Corporate Dude: “right there.”

Me: “thats not dead.”

Corporate Dude: “but it isn’t moving.”

Me: “its not dead.”

Corporate Dude: “its buried under the gravel.”

Me: “it isn’t dead.”

Corporate Dude: “well, its going to die, its trapped.”

Me: “No. It’s just under the gravel, its fine.”

Corporate Dude: “it looks like its stuck to me”

Me: “No. Eels just burrow under the gravel. It happens all the time, and they all do it. It’s just what eels do.”

Corporate Dude: “well, it looks sick to me”

Me: mentally: “well, you’re probably a fucking moron who doesn’t know the first thing about taking care of an aquarium, let alone nearly 100. you got nothing better to do on a fucking thursday than come in my store, and tell me how to do my fuckin job?”

I was about to fuckin start raisin fsckin Cain. And I don’t even know where that saying comes from, I just know its Bad. He’s pointing out dead fish n shit… coincidentally most of them are fish that shouldn’t be sold in the first place cuz all they do is die in an aquarium… but we have no choice in the matter cuz stupid mother fuckers like him say we have to have at least X number of these fish in stock at any given time.

Nevermind they just always die. Nevermind these fish grow to be 4 feet tall. Nevermind we can’t properly feed them because you won’t give us funding to maintain the steady supply of special food they need. No, that fish is dieing, and it’s my fault… if he woulda come back ten minutes later and said fuckin word one to me, I woulda just started yellin. Forget about customers, getting fired, anything else. I woulda just went off on his fsckin-corporate-this-is-whats-wrong-with-america doesn’t-know-shit-about-the-company-he-works-for-fat-ass. Here’s this fat bald fuck tellin me how to take care of a fish he’s never even seen before, and probably couldn’t even venture a guess on how to pronounce its name.

It all just makes me wanna reach over, grab his ugly ass lime green tie and strangle him with it as I drag his sorry ass out my fuckin department. But thats just me. And I can’t stand Corporate America.

[/rant]

I think that’ll do for now. More on another failed female interest later.

Oh yeah. Added a couple sites to the left. Nothin major.